Once a friend said, "In life, you have to make decisions. You have to move. You cannot stay awaiting for good." That is right. But, how difficult is making decisions. I used to think if you could see from too many angles, too many perspectives, then it'll be easier to make a decision. I don't believe it any more. Life decisions to me is fitting on a highly dimensional space with each experience, each memory, each advice, each book, ... as points or dimensions (depending on how deep or general they are). If you can see from too many angles, your space gets larger. You need proper classifiers to draw your boundaries and make a decision. Sometimes, you confidently draw them, but you may get so outliers that you give up and could not decide again. Usually, the outliers belong to the most notorious dimension: emotion - the hardest, most unpredictable dimension to tackle. It could throw every point in and out your boundaries at every moment - leaving you no control. Each point on your life space has a value on that dimension. More sentimental you are, more bounded your data points are with that dimension, thus more suffering you'd have when it comes to making decisions. Sometimes I feel doomed for bearing it heavily on my shoulder. Or, in my philosophical mood, I may seek a reason for that. Or, there may be no reason - just my seudo-random share of life challenges.

When I look at some people sometimes I can see the origin of their suffering. I can see how some people value things that are worthless, or at least having no value to me, like working too hard to buy more things, much more than they need; or, doing things just for show off to please others not themselves. Not always is it obvious. The origin of my suffering is not that obvious to me. Well, that is why I am suffering, because I don't know what it is. Or, I may know - having been told by friends, families, therapist - but tend to ignore it and pretend that I don't know what it is. I know how much we can fool ourselves. No doubt in that. When I am in pain, I ask, "what is in me that brings suffering to me?" I never believed the origin of suffering is from outside. It could augment it but is not the origin. It is here, inside me. Maybe that is why I am interested in Buddhism, encouraging one to look inward instead of wandering outward.

PS: I hope none of my friends who believe I am the happiest person they have ever seen find this note!

PSS: Could there be any title for this post? I always have this problem of starting with one concern and ending with another concern. Surely, they are related but hard to put a title for it.