On life

I must have felt so exhausted today that upon seeing a hearse on street I murmured, "Good for the guy that finished his hard journy." Indeed, how hard is life, even though I pretend to be easy going with it and enjoy it. It felt hard most of my life, most of my parents life, or most of the life of most people I know. The life is hard in nature. There is always something you strive for. If you don't, other people would take control of it, thus facing another kind of suffering, like pets do. You have to survive. You may be burnt by love or by death either of yours or of others you care about. If you don't care about anyone, even yourself, like Bartleby, you have another kind of suffering. None of them means there is no beauty in life, nor its suffering surpasses its beauty. I am just acknowledging the fact that there is intrinsic suffering to the very act of living. 

Sometimes we may seem to strive for more suffering ourselves, e.g. by moving to a more competitive university or work atmosphere, by marrying a challenging guy, or by choosing a life style that is not so relaxing. Perhaps, we perceive such attempts as short-term sufferings in the hope of enjoying a more relaxing life ultimately. Or, we may just follow others, entering the competition of being recognized as the best. No, I do not want to follow others' path anymore. I'm done with it. Very often, I ask myself, "what do I want?" Money is good; prestigue and status are good; beauty and being fashonable are good; looking as the smartest is good; but, none are my ultimate desire. I do not live to just earn money, prestigue, status. I live to gain wisdom, knowledge, understanding about the world, about humanity, about myself. 

It was my birthday, yesterday. I asked, "What would you like to keep doing by next year?" I replied, "Writing my diary, reading books of influencial people, and improving my language skills to read more easily and write more elegantly." Then, I asked, "What would you wish to spend more time on by next year?" I replied, "Writing stories. I love to practice writing much more. I'd like to have a profession as a writer beside my everyday work." I asked, "What life skill would you like to improve by next year?" My answer was, "planning and management"; I'd like to have a more organized mind and life (Happily, I have already started it by reading some interesting books), for I believe my life gets happier, with less suffering.

Happy birthday, by the way!