A glimpse of death

Today she cried. She cried so much. "It is like a death. The death of your beloved, the death of part of you, part of your heart, part of your past. I can die of so much pain and agony." she cried out, covering her face by her wet hands, bending down on her chair. He had called her today, coldly said, "we have to talk seriously this time". It's clear what seriously means after a year of frustration in their relationship, a year of fights, anger, indifference. "How may I not see him any more?" she cries, "He's part of me! Nine years of my youth." And it's all happening because of her. Because she feels this is whom she wants to be. This is how she wants to live. He does not agree though. He expects her to be another person, another wife, another mom. She feels so guilty of not being able to be the proper wife he wants. Ashamed of not wanting to be a mom now, not behaving like her friends enjoying a kid in their life. "I cannot help it. I have tried so hard. Those years of being together I tried", she sighs, tears falling down her face. She is a miserable woman. She cannot enjoy company of her proper husband, offering her a proper family. She is running away from her stable life - a life that many would envy. She is running to an unknown future, all foggy and unclear. Who is this person? What does she want to do in her life worth leaving her beloved? leaving her stable life, family? She must be an idiot. What if what she is going for is an illusion? Is she really going for an understanding about herself? Or, is she just making it up all? I know how much one can be deceived by her perception of the world, of her self. But, what else do we have in this world? What else may she trust? Poor her.

After having a proper workout in the gym, I had some time to contemplate on her life. I thought of my angel's advice, "Decide out of hope, not out of fear." Then, I thought of what I wrote earlier here, above, on my perception about her and her perception about herself. They were out of fear. You can definitely see traces of love there, you can see true emotion and attachment, but her cry smells like fear. When I asked earlier, "what does she want to do in her life?" I meant her hope. But I didn't wait for her reply, judgementally slapping her at face.

"Let's talk about your hopes, then", I said, trying to have a tune as friendly and nonjudgemental as I could, quite hard though. She shifted her gaze, staring at some unknown point. She looked calm and quiet. I followed her gaze, I couldn't find what she was looking at. Perhaps there was nothing there. She was dreaming, contemplating, thinking about my question. Without turning her gaze, she calmly said, "I hope to find a balance in my life, between emotion and intellect, between my inner child and my adult, between my creativity and analytical thoughts." Then, she looked at me and said, "You know, I'm quite good at both. My inner child and my adult are both alive. If I feed only one, the other one rebels." I interrupted her, "Yeah, moving here was a rebel, wasn't it?". She nodded her head and sighed, "Yes, indeed!" She again stared at that far far point. "What else?" I asked. She gently smiled, "Well, everything else is part of this wish. I feel if I realise this wish, I will have a prosperous life. I will attract a job that satisfies my both sides, where my talent and passion meet. I will attract people like myself with balanced life and attitude. People who can grab my love and my thoughts. People who can feed me with their love and their thoughts." She turned her gaze and look at me. I could see how calm she was. At peace. Well, I am sure she will have more turbulence coming, but she is at rest for the moment at least.